The Waiting is the Hardest Part

DONE!!!!!!!!!!

I HAVE FINISHED ALL TREATMENTS!!!!!!!! I am so happy! YAY YAY YAAAAAAAAAAY!

Here's a quick update...

After that last post, they decided to stop treatment for 2 days. Well, what wonders that did! My throat completely stopped hurting, and hasn't hurt since! I resumed treatment last Thursday, and have gone every day (except Sat and Sun) since. I have been eating normal food, still slower than usual but that's ok. So all in all, it wasn't that bad. Thank you LORD! The beginning was far worse than the end, and I really thought I was going to be in some serious pain right now. I was pretty scared, as I've heard of people having to be admitted into the hospital during radiation because their throat is so swollen. Glad it never got to that point. It did hurt for several days, but it was never terrible.

I've got that stupid mask in the car right now - after all of you have seen it, I'm gonna burn that sucker! I thought about bringing it into work, but I didn't want to give anyone nightmares, I'm serious - it's that freaky looking.

I hope all of you have a fantastic weekend - it's pouring rain here right now and is supposed to be like this all weekend, but Ben and I are gonna make the best of it! He's taking me out to dinner tonight to celebrate, he's so sweet!

Thank yall so much for the phone calls, texts, emails, gifts, etc - you all mean the world to me.

Love to all,

Kerri

PS...hope yall are enjoying the music! If you haven't heard it, turn on your speakers!

Radiation Update

Hey all,

I hope all of you had an awesome Valentines Day Weekend, we sure did! Ben had a dozen roses delivered to my work on Friday, and then took me out to Twist Sat night - it's an awesome restaurant in Buckhead. We had a great time, thank you again Ben you are so sweet! Love you!

I am writing to update all of you on radiation. I have 10 treatments under my belt! At the end of last week, I could feel my throat beginning to close up a little bit. It never really hurt, and it never got to the point where I had to change my eating habits, it just took a little longer to eat because I have to chew everything a little bit more. So I go this morning and have my 10th treatment, and also met with Dr. Gargus. He said that because I am having these symptoms, he wants to hold off treatment for 2 days. We will resume radiation on Thursday. He said in all of his years of experience, its better to have 2 days off in the middle of treatment to let yourself heal a little, than to just go non-stop. He said it can get pretty bad, and that people have been hospitalized because they can't swallow at all - not even fluids, and they get severely dehydrated. Well I surely don't want that to happen! So, as I am sitting here, I can feel my throat beginning to hurt. Its not bad yet, but its not comfortable either. So, I am glad he made this decision, or by Friday I would be in severe pain. Its the worst in the morning, and I almost choked on my vitamin this morning, gross!

Yall keep praying for me, please pray that I don't have to drink that ensure stuff, yuck!

I think I'll go with mashed potatoes, milkshakes, and mac and cheese the rest of the week. I guess that isn't so bad, huh?

Love yall!

Kerri

In a better place!

After a weekend of doing nothing but sleeping (13 hours Sat night!), walking, going to church and hanging out with Ben, I am in a better place. The weather this past weekend was just gorgeous, enough to put anyone in a better mood. That last post was tough to even type out. I just didn't feel like myself last week. I sincerely hope I don't get like that again. But things are getting better! 7 radiation treatments are history, with 10 to go. I'm slowly but surely getting there! I still hate that mask, but they did cut the eyes out of it for me which has helped a tremendous amount. Now the mesh marks are only on my nose, so I don't look like freak walking into work. I got a few stares one day, I'm sure people were wondering just what the heck I had been doing. I can tell the sore throat is coming, its starting to feel a little weird - but no pain yet. I have radiation every day at 8:45 am, with my last one being February 25th. I can't wait for that day!

It's weird how every time we go to church, the pastor seems to speak directly to me. His sermon this past Sunday was about "Gods Silence". It struck a chord with me, and I instantly began to feel a weight being lifted off of my shoulders. Psalm 22: 1-2 is the verse he referenced:

1. My God, My God why have you abandoned me? Why so far from my call for help, from my cries of anguish? 2. My God, I call by day, but you do not answer; by night, but I have no relief.

Our pastor explained that when you think God has forsaken about you, and he doesn't seem to be listening - what really is happening is much deeper. Gods silence does not mean He is in inactive. Gods silence does not mean He is unable. And lastly, Gods silence does not mean He is inefficient. What He is doing is really part of a much larger scale, and just because you don't think he is listening and you feel that you are being ignored, He has something so much bigger in store for you. I thought this sermon was something we all needed to hear, and that's why I have shared it with you.

A bit of good news too - I have new hair growing in - YAAAAAAAAAAY! It sticks straight up, but I don't care!

Hope all of you have a wonderful Valentine's Day - what a great holiday!

I would also like to congratulate my Big Brother and Brandy on their new house, CONGRATS!

Again, thanks for the prayers! Love yall!

Kerri

Emotional Wreck

Hey there,

I have had a tough week. My emotions are out of control, and honestly, don't know how much longer I can take this! I have read that coming off the chemo can really throw you for a loop, but I was hoping that it didn't happen to me. Well it did. It is awful! I have been exhausted all week, and one minute I am mad and another I want to cry. I have been asleep by 9 pm every night, and a couple nights I wanted to crawl into bed as soon as I got home from work. Some mornings I wake up with tears in my eyes, I mean, what is going on? It's gotta be my hormones just totally off balance - because I NEVER act like this. I am the most laid back person there is, and this feeling kind of has me down a little. I have made it through 4 radiation treatments, with 13 to go. Im getting there, I guess. I think I am also worried about getting sore from radiation soon, I don't want to have a terrible sore throat, that is the most uncomfortable feeling in the world. So, we have decided against traveling to Charlotte this weekend, I am going to try to clear my head and just see if I can get myself out of this funk I am in. I may sleep the entire weekend, I'm so tired from all this stress. I am sorry Mrs. Linda and Mr. Steve, we will make it up to yall, I promise!

PLEASE continue to pray for me - I need every prayer I can get, and Ben too - he has to put up with me!

Love yall, Kerri

Well done please, with grill marks if you can

I will start with my "block out" day, which took place yesterday at 11:30. My Mom and Brandy went with me, and it was helpful to have them there! Thank yall for coming! We get there and ask to see Dr. Gargus as I wanted Brandy to hear what he had to say. We met with him and everything went fine. I did tell him about what happened last Wednesday with my hair, so hopefully that won't happen to anyone else in the future. I wasn't right for days after that! Of course he didn't know, why would anyone tell their boss when they mess up? I feel better now that he knows. So, on to "block outs". They take me to change from the waist up, and I go lay down on the table. Now the block outs are little pieces of metal in the machine they position perfectly over my lungs and heart to block the radiation. I am thinking this isn't going to take a long time, I mean, how could it? Think again! After I lay down, they put that dreaded mask on me (dang it!) and the positioning begins. They begin to x-ray me to see if I'm in the right position. Well, an HOUR LATER, this is beginning to really bother me. My neck hurts like someone karate chopped it, my elbows are killing me, and I am starting to feel myself getting really mad. Keep in mind I have been laying with that mask on me that is bolted to the table, and its so tight I can barely blink an eyelash or swallow. Ouch! Well, they FINALLY get me into the correct position, and yes I am glad they are so picky but I am telling you that was NOT fun. Ok now on to TATOOS! While I am laying there basically naked from the waist up, they put 4 spots of blue ink on me, and insert needles in there so I am permanently tattooed. I feel like a human pin cushion. Fun stuff! So, that was yesterday in a nutshell. I wasn't in a very good mood the rest of the day.

On to today. Here is a picture of the machine that I will be face to face with until Feb. 25th.

Looks like something right out of a sci fi movie right? Well, that's kind of what I felt like in there today. I call it the "torture chamber". I kept telling myself all day that I was just going to be calm and not freak out. So, I get there around 1:45 and change clothes. They call me back and begin to position me on the table. Once again, they strap my face to the table. I hate that mask, I swear I will burn it when this is all said and done. Burn baby burn! I get into the right position, and they leave the room. The last thing they say as they leave the room is "Don't move". My heart starts to POUND - I mean, I thought I was going to have to yell for them to come back in there. I'm talking semi panic attack. I can feel myself starting to freak out, but then I think "If I move, this will take twice as long - DON'T MOVE". I hear the machine about to go off, and I am scared out of my mind. When a huge, powerful machine is pointed at your neck it is not a good feeling. I feel the radiation begin, and it's slightly warm. It lasts for about 30 seconds. The machine revolves around me, and then goes under my back and radiates through my back as well. The lights come on, all done! It's over, thank you Lord I made it! I guess just the entire experience is freaking me out. I handled chemo like a rock star, but this is just completely different - just not what I expected I guess. I think everything is just uncomfortable, laying there on a hard table, completely naked from the waist up with my face in a mesh mask that is bolted down. Doesn't sound like fun, does it? It will get better, it has to! Thank you all for praying for me, I really appreciate it.

1 down, 16 to go!

Terrible Day

Hey all,

I had some kinda day yesterday. I woke up in kind of a bad mood, and I didn't quite know why. I thought it was the weather because it was really gross out yesterday, but I think my body was just foreseeing what would happen. I had my follow-up appointment at my radiation oncologist's office yesterday. I get there, and a technician comes out to get me and says this is the day we "will figure everything out". I thought oh well good, we can get the ball rolling ya know? So, they take me back and explain that they will be doing a "mask" today. I had read about these online. They didn't look like much fun at all. But, I figured hey, no needles, who cares! Now a mask looks something like this:

Freaky huh?

First they lay me down on the scanner, and start to position me so I am completely straight. Then, they begin to mark me up. I will have to be in the same position every day, so these marks are pretty important. They scan me once to see if I'm in the right position, and it looks good. So, they proceed to explain how this mask thing will work. It supposedly keeps my head in the same position, sure looks like it to me! They freaking bolt it to the table! So, they begin the process. They dip that thick mesh stuff in hot water, then slam it over my face. It was awkward, to say the least. I felt like I couldn't breathe for a minute. They begin fanning it so it will dry. After it has dried a bit, they do the CT Scan on me from head to stomach. OK, no big deal. Everything is still going pretty good at this point. Then this is when my day went from good to just plain terrible. They get me out of the scanner and begin to pull the mask off. It won't come off - IT IS STUCK TO HALF OF MY HAIR. Without any warning, the technician rips the right side of the mask off, hair and all. When she pulls it up a little, I can see about 30 hairs stuck to it, I mean long hairs from the root. I am in shock. She is repeatedly saying she's sorry, and I am kind of like, is this seriously happening right now? She says, I'm going to need you to get up and look in the mirror to see if you can get the other side of this mask off. Needless to say, I have to rip the thing from the left side of my hair, I didn't rip it out, just broke it off. Yall should have seen my hair. It looked like someone had just chewed it up, swallowed it, and spit it out. I am still in shock at this point. I get dressed, she gives me my next appt date, and I get out to the car. Then it hits me. I burst into tears, I mean sobbing whining tears. I couldn't believe what had just happened. The hair I had worked so freaking hard to keep was just ripped out by some idiot that can't do her job. Now, granted - you all won't be able to tell some hair is gone, but I sure can. It just looks worse than it did before I went in there. I didn't deserve that. I don't deserve any of the crap I've been through for the past 5 months. With that said, my sister-in-law Brandy and my Mom will be attending my next appointment with me on Monday. Brandy is a radiation oncology technician in Augusta, GA - and she knows exactly what should and shouldn't be done to me. She said she didn't even know why they did that mask. She also said that they should have known the mask would stick in my hair, and it was like they had never done that before. I am still just fuming mad over the whole situation.

So, yesterday was a terrible day. I hope I never have a day like again. EVER.

My next appointment is Monday at 11:30 - I will be tattooed then (oh joy!) and I will begin radiation on Tuesday, Feb. 3rd.

FUN STUFF PEOPLE!

Aren't you jealous?

Love yall, I will be in touch.

Kerri

The wrath of Gracie, LOST and radiation

For those of you who have never met our furry child Gracie before, well - you're missing out. She's part human, part cat. We treat her as our child. I swear she knows every word I say, and she is so freaking spoiled that she actually sleeps on a heating pad every night. I know, I'm a sucker for all things furry and cute, especially her. So, I decided that it was time for her annual check-up and took her into the vet's office Monday night. Thank goodness Ben got home early and was able to go with me. First off, as soon as we walk in the door she buries herself in the blanket I have in her carrier. I haven't seen her that scared in a while. Poor thing! We get into a room and the vet comes in and wants to weigh her. I somehow manage to get her up on the counter, and she weighs a whopping 13 pounds, 9 ounces. They were like, "wow, she's solid". I think what they meant to say, is "What the heck are you feeding this cat? She's a chunky monkey!" Keep in mind that Gracie is the most beautiful blue point siamese cat you've ever seen - and siamese cats are solid muscle. She actually looks skinny to me, but has this little pouch of a tummy that the vet says they refer to as a "sweeper". I thought that was cute! Now Gracie is on a diet, she only gets half of her wet food at night. So anyways, I ask if they can clip her nails for me. Sure no big deal right? HA! Think again. They began and when they got to the third nail, all hell broke loose. She started to growl and make noises I've never heard before. She was PISSED. They stopped and said they had never seen a cat act like that before. They decided to give her the shots first, and then got back to trimming those razors she had for nails. They began again, and this time she tries to bite the assistant! They have to go get a towel and put it over her face, and the vet then says to me "I'm sweating bullets" - I didn't know whether to laugh or be embarassed. Dang! With every nail they cut, the more violent she becomes. They finally cut all of them, and thank goodness because one more and I think she would have strangled herself. So, that was our fun Monday night! Gotta love our sweet angel Gracie, but man, she is a pistol!

So, LOST was new last night, we've been waiting for this for forever! The whole show was about time travel. This is just getting to be almost too much. Anyone else feel the same? I don't care though, its still the best show on TV. I just wanted to give it a shout-out cause we just love the show so much. They don't make'em like that anymore!

On to radiation - you know, the everyday beam to the throat I will be getting here in the next few weeks. I met with Dr. John Gargus this morning, and he is such a sweet man. His daughter is even thinking about going to USC, which made me like him even more. He explained that I would be having "involved field radiation" to the throat, chest and left underarm area. He said that the only thing that would really annoy me would be a sore throat. I almost said, "yeah and driving here every day for almost a month". Gotta do what I'm told I guess. I may also have some fatigue towards the end, but he said it wouldn't last long. Anyways, I will be having 17 treatments, Monday through Friday beginning the first week of February. Then I can put all this behind me, wow - that's gonna be a good day!

I'll be good as new, just in time for spring - heck yes!

The last thing to say, is thank goodness its almost FRIDAY! YAY!

Hope you all have a good weekend. :)

Kerri

THE EAGLES

Take it...to the limit...one more time.

If you've never seen the Eagles live, it's an experience that I just can't explain. It's pure, raw talent at its finest. Especially 20 yards from the stage!!! One of my bf's Kristie bought us tickets for Christmas and the seats were just awesome, we could see their facial expressions for crying out loud. I LOVED IT. This was my 4th time seeing them, and it never gets old. Last time we saw them outside in Atlanta, and the acoustics just weren't there. This time, we were at the North Charleston Coliseum which is a lot smaller than other venues, therefore making the sound just mind-numbing. They played Hotel California better than I've ever seen them play, and of course I called my brother and let him listen to the entire song on my cell. I do that every time for him. Ben and I also got to hear our wedding song "Love Will Keep Us Alive" - that one is a tearjerker anyways, and of course I got all teary-eyed when that came on. We had a great time, and I just want to say thank you Kristie for the best present ever - seriously it was so much fun! The whole weekend was fun. The concert was Friday night, so we still had one more night in Charleston after that. Yes! We went on a restaurant spree Sat night, deciding to stop at about 8 different places and have an appetizer each time. It was so much FUN, I think we'll do that every time we go somewhere now. Its just better to try more food, yall know I love food. Of any kind.

Ok - back to reality! My first appointment with my radiation oncologist is this Thursday, so hope all goes well! It's just a consultation, so I will let you all know what they say.

Also, I would like to wish my beautiful niece Lauren Johnson a HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! She turns 15 this Thursday, a fellow 22nd in the family. There are 4 of us in the fam that have bday's on the 22nd of the month. Me, my Dad, Lauren and Ben's Dad. 22 is a good number for us! I can't believe how grown up Lauren is! She'll be going to college in no time!

Hope you all are having a good week and staying warm, its 33 in Atlanta today - ouch!

Love yall!

Kerri

Peace Out Chemo!

Peace OUT Chemo!

Friday was my last treatment! It went well, as usual. Here is one of my nurses, Barbara, taking out the IV from my port for the LAST time. YAAAAAAAY! My Mom came up to go with me, and Ben was able to make it there about half way through. My Mom and Dad gave me a beautiful crystal "superstar" necklace to congratulate me on my treatment! Its a swarovski star necklace, and I love it! Ben gave me a dozen beautiful red roses, thank you husband! I also got roses from Kristen and Matt, along with a book titled "Are you there Vodka? It's me Chelsea" - I busted out laughing at this, it's a book by comedian Chelsea Handler and she cracks me up. I also received many phone calls and texts. Thank you all so much for making me feel special. It felt so good walking out of that place! Mom, thank you so much for driving up to go with me, love you!

We had a good weekend, basically just relaxing at the house. I think the only time I left was to go to the grocery store with Ben, but hey, everyone needs a weekend like that every now and then. Sunday was my tired day, but it wasn't as bad as it usually is. The only thing different this time is the headaches, which the weather probably has contributed to. I've always been sensitive to weather, so I wasn't surprised. My hair is still coming out like crazy, I seriously don't know how I have any left on my head! It's insane! Now I have these little broken pieces that stick straight up, I look like alfalfa at times. You should see it when it's wet - I was thinking I resemble the guy from Tales from the Crypt (ok not really, but funny) or Gollum from the Lord of the Rings. Ha! It's not that bad, but it better stop falling out soon or I'm gonna have to get a toupe. ;)

We are off to Charleston this weekend! I'm SO Excited! We are leaving Friday morning and are going to visit one of my best friends, Kristie, and go to the EAGLES concert Friday night. I seriously cannot wait.

I will find out next week about my appointment with the radiation oncologist. I'll be in touch!

Love you all!

Kerri

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

HEY THERE!

Happy New Year to all of you! Ben and I spent New Years Eve at home this year nursing my chemo hangover. We still had fun even though I was struggling a little bit. We made a feast of crab legs that night, and toasted with sparkling apple cider. It was so wonderful. We kicked 2008 out the door, and I cried when the clock struck 12 - I was seriously so happy for the new year. 2009 has been good so far!

Now, lets not talk about that bowl game - there's always next year right? Geez. We looked pitiful, maybe even borderline pathetic. Chris and Laura Herron came over to watch it with us, and I was so happy they came! I wasn't really feeling good that day, and they were so sweet to come over and just hang out with us. Thanks Herron's! Yall rock.

The pics above are from this past Saturdays "Beginning of a New Year" Party in North Augusta hosted by Scott and Ashley Gibbs. They threw it in my honor and everyone brought donations to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society! It was SO MUCH FUN, they had karaoke with a DJ - wow, I pity everyone who had to listen to me sing! Ben and I sang several songs including an Eagles duet (wow, I didn't know I was THAT bad) and as you can see from above, Ben and Matt also got up there and rocked it! I haven't laughed that hard in a while, I swear - when those two get together you are bound to have a stomach ache from laughing so hard. But, they did sing Skid Row like no other. Hi-la-ri-ous! Everyone just looked like they were having so much fun. I saw a LOT of people that I hadn't seen in months and even years. Thanks to everyone who came, and I want to say it means so much to me that everyone donated to my charity of choice. Thank you SO MUCH to Ashley and Scott for hosting this - they raised a total of $660.00 for the LLS! Way to GOOOOOO!

MY LAST CHEMO IS THIS FRIDAY at 11 am - I shiver even saying it - I am SO excited! If I can, I'm gonna do a heel kick and a freaking cartwheel outta that place! I will say BUH BYE to my nurses who have been so good to me - but I will say to them in the kindest words that I hope I never see them again, EVER AGAIN.

Wish me luck! LOVE YALL!

Kerri