Christmas Pajamas -- A Look Back
12 years ago
A Learning Experience
Hey all,
Over the past few weeks, I have been thinking about everything that has happened since the end of August. Right after radiation, I had a feeling of "is this it? what the heck just happened to me?", or "I beat cancer and all I get is this lousy t-shirt." I have also had feelings of disbelief - like I absolutely cannot believe I had cancer. The weeks before my diagnosis, we went on a trip to Biloxi and had a big party at our house - I felt like a million bucks and was the picture of health. All of those pictures are now my benchmark of when I didn't have cancer (or didn't know it yet.) It is really weird, and tough to come to terms with. I try to think back to when the cancer may have started, and I find it so frustrating that I will never know when it started or what caused it. My oncologist said I had cancer for 1-2 years before I found that lump. I could have had it when we got married? What the? When I was diagnosed, I immediately went into "warrior mode" and wanted to do anything and everything I could to get rid of it. You really don't have time to process the devastating news you've been dealt. I think back on every single thing that I've had to do to beat this beast - and it's seriously remarkable. I am now a "cancer survivor" and that's just crazy. I never, ever thought I would have cancer this early in my life.
Not only do I think about all of my medical experiences, but I also think about all of my personal experiences too. That day I got the news that it was most likely cancer, I will never EVER forget that day. It was the day of the first Carolina game of 2008, that Thursday night. I often wonder just how fast news spread to my hometown - I bet it had North Augusta in a frenzy. There isn't a town that loves gossip more than NA, and things spread like wildfire. I had people coming out of the woodwork sending cards, flowers, emails, etc. People I hadn't heard from in 10 years, and people I didn't even know were sending things - I was literally dumbfounded at the thoughtfulness of certain people. Then on the other hand, it scared some people. Some didn't know what to do or say in a crisis situation - and others knew exactly what to say and do. It was really eye-opening seeing who is the first, and who is the latter. It's funny how people act towards me now. Some always ask how things are going, and others I find going out of their way to ignore me. I will tell you right now that some friends are worth their weight in gold, and the others just aren't worth the time anymore. It's funny how a crisis will automatically show you who cares about you, and who doesn't. I have the best family and friends, and love each and every one of you - you know who you are!
I also think its funny when I think of myself before all of this - I was deathly afraid of needles. I think when I heard the word "cancer" that was one of the things that I immediately thought of was "there is going to be a lot of needles involved with this". I think I did pretty good with it, considering the one that went in my hip for the bone marrow biopsy was massive. Blah, I don't even want to think about that!
Dealing with the emotional side of all of this has been easier than I would have thought. The pressure of this kind of diagnosis alone will make some people crazy. Cancer is one of the scariest words in the English language. I have had to deal with my own mortality. 75 years ago this would have been a death sentence. I have had to deal with knowing that this cancer kills people and that people die from it all the time. It is one of the rarest cancers that exist and even though they say "if you're gonna get cancer, this is the one you want" people still die from it. It's still cancer! According to the American Cancer Society, 8,220 people were diagnosed with Hodgkin's in 2008. Notice the number there? Isn't that ironic? For those of you who don't get it, my birthday is 8/22. Anyways, I am on a hodgkin's lymphoma forum, and since I have been a member 5 people have passed away. It's rough stuff. I know that these feelings are natural, and anyone with a life threatening illness has thought the same.
I have come out of the experience a much stronger person than I used to be. I have found some qualities in myself that I didn't know I had. I have found that forgiveness is a lot better for you than holding a grudge. I was a notorious grudge-holder before, and I find that it's just not worth the energy anymore. I think it's because I am so unbelievably loyal, and whenever anyone does something to me that I think is wrong I don't forget it.
I could write a book on all of the things I have experienced and learned since September, it's an unbelievable amount of information!
Here are just a few of the things I've learned:
1. That prayer is one of the most powerful things on earth
2. I am blessed with the most caring husband on the planet
3. That family always comes first
4. Hold on tight to good friends, they are few and far between
5. To not ask "why me?"
6. Life is 10% what are you dealt, and 90% how you react to it
7. Your attitude will make or break you
8. That this is a rare time in my life where I will appreciate the little things
9. To love my "new normal" life
10. That my body is incredibly strong. The fact the I never lost all of my hair, never threw up once, and never got a low blood count is nothing short of astounding.
After all of this, I now appreciate the small stuff.
Love to all!
Kerri
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9 comments:
That attitude is exactly what pulled you through. And Yes the power of prayer is Amazing. I am sooo glad you are doing so well. You are a strong woman and I know you can handle anything God throws your way. I think about you all the time. Sometime soon we ARE going to have you guys over for dinner if you would like. Play some pool, darts, PS3, or watch some "HD TV" Thats what we call our new free digital cable :0) Miss you both-you both are amazing people. Talk soon!!!!
Kerri - You are amazing! This seriously made me cry. I'm so proud to call you my friend!
Love you! Abbie
I can really relate to all your feelings and comments. Because of your beast (cancer) and my beast (heart disease) we have learned some great lessons that many people never learn. We would never choose to have these problems, but turning something horrible into something positive is definitely the way to go. With God's help, you've handled all this with grace and a fighting spirit. I'm so proud of you and Ben. Love to you both! Mrs. Linda
Rock it, girl! Kickin' ass and takin' names...isn't that your life motto? Love your top 10. It's a shame it often takes a life-changing event to have us look at the world through different eyes. Thank you for your strength! You make me want to be a better person...every single day.
You are so strong, a true fighter, Prayer is so good, and I know GOD has a plan. God Knew you were strong enough to handle this because he made you. I am just blessed that he paired me with you so that I could be a part of your life forever. Thanks for what you do on a daily basis. You are trully the best wife a husband could hope for. I love you BEN
Kerri and Ben,
Ya'll are awesome. This blog is a catalog of love and strength. I told one of my patients to go to your blog. She has Hodgkin's, and her case sounds so similar to yours. I know she will gain hope from you. Thanks for sharing so many intimate thoughts.
We love ya'll,
Stephen and Brandy
Hey sis, you are the best! I Love You!
You are such an inspiration and my hero! The only things I check on the computer every day is my email, my bank account, and your blog. I just remember what a sweet and beautiful little girl you were, and how much I truly loved being around your mother. I will continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Thank-you so much for sharing your life with us...
Love,
Mrs.H
Yall are all so sweet, these comments are so thoughtful and caring - thank you so much!
I'm crying at my desk...you hooker! Great stuff, but I knew you were strong like bull. I'll never know what you went through, but I'm glad you came out of this with the knowledge you have written. I miss you SO much, but love you more...
F yo couch
LURN
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